The myths about violence

It doesn’t happen to the people I know or to people like me

Violence happens to people across different cultures, societies, ages, and social groups. It isn’t just the problem of indigenous, uneducated, or poor people. Both abusers and those being abused are skilled at hiding violence. 

She could just leave

Simple response – he could just stop. 

Women don’t leave violent men for many reasons, some of these involve protection - because it may be just too dangerous to leave. Abusers will threaten women, children, wider family members or pets in order to maintain control. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for women.

Many women experience financial abuse, are isolated, and do not have the means or support to leave. 

It’s a ‘relationship’ issue

You are not in a ‘violent relationship’  - this common saying makes the violence mutual, but the statistics indicate that violence is overwhelmingly unilateral (one way) and it is gender based - one person is the abuser (86% of the time this is a man) and the other person is being abused (again overwhelmingly this is a woman). It is more accurate to say that you are / were ‘in a relationship with a violent partner’. How we talk about violence matters to how we are seen, and to challenging the myths and stereotypes around who we are as ‘victims’, for example: if you were raped as a child this was not ‘sex’ or ‘being interfered with’- it was child rape. Children don’t have sex, because sex is a mutual act that requires two consenting adults.  

He didn’t mean to do it – he lost control, was drunk, had a tough upbringing and was abused himself, or it was out of character for him

Violence is a choice. Abusers choose to use violence, they choose when and how they use it and they choose when not to use it. Alcohol, anger, not knowing a different way to respond, and other reasons for using violence are excuses. Many people drink, or get angry and do not use violence. Abusers can be drunk or angry and choose not to use violence if they know there will be a negative response to this (ie: if family members are there who will step in). If we excuse violence we make it ok for abusers to continue to use it, because we take the responsibility for using it away from them. 

She is to blame too – she was drunk, angry, didn’t leave, or didn’t behave appropriately

There is no excuse for violence. Victims are not to blame – ever. 

If she wasn’t so broken she wouldn’t have made such bad choices

Women do not go willingly into relationships with men that they believe will be violent. 

Overwhelmingly the person we meet and start seeing appears charming and caring, and treats us well. We hold out hope that we will be loved and treated kindly. We want to believe the best of people, no matter what our history has shown us. Abusers are persuasive and clever enough to know when to behave well. The bad behaviour comes when the potential victim is in a place where the abuser can isolate and control them, disarm them, and confuse them. 

Many psychological tactics are used to ensure victims are confused and shamed. If victims were actually so broken then they would not hold out hope for love, or cling so fiercely to their dignity and autonomy. It is also important to look at the social conditions surrounding these decisions.

She is just as bad as him

Sometimes women are seen as ‘just as angry and violent’. When we are abused we often get angry – this is a heathy response to being badly treated. Anger is a form of resistance to power and control – how we use this anger matters. Sometimes women will use violence to provoke men’s violence at a time, or in a place, that is better for them – if they know this is inevitable. Women may use violence to protect others, to try and access help, or to manage life around the abuser’s violence and control. 

It’s not violence because he doesn’t hit her

Violence is about power and control. At least when the violence is physical it may be evident to others that we are being hurt. If the violence is mostly sexual, psychological, and financial then it is often missed, is difficult to explain to others, or to access help for. We may think we are going crazy (because we are usually told we are), are having mental health problems, and are depressed, anxious, or to blame when actually what we are is oppressed. Violence hurts, no matter what form it takes.

She’s done nothing to stop it

‘Victims’ always resist violence. Just because it isn’t seen or it didn’t stop the violence happening doesn’t mean it isn’t present. Sometimes it is just too dangerous to overtly resist violence, so women and children will resist in small, nuanced ways. Compliance with violence is not consent for abuse to occur. Sometimes compliance keeps us safe. At such times resistance may take place only within the mind. Resistance matters because it upholds our dignity in the face of unimaginable indignity. Abusers know that women resist and take active steps to prevent this.